When sex is difficult in marriage, it can leave couples feeling confused, isolated, and discouraged. Sex is often described as a gift from God, something meant to unite, delight, and deepen connection, but many Christian couples quietly struggle when intimacy does not come easily.
Prefer to listen instead of read? You can watch/listen to Episode 134 of the One Degree Marriage podcast here.
When Sex Feels Like a Burden Instead of a Gift
For the first few years of our marriage, sex was more a point of tension than connection.
The struggle was not simply a mismatch in desire. It was also not just busyness or exhaustion.
There were physical challenges, emotional barriers, lingering purity culture messages, and unspoken pressure all happening at once.
What made it even harder was the isolation.
When we tried opening up, we often heard versions of, “I don’t know what you mean. Sex has always been great for us.”
That left us asking hard questions.
What is wrong with us?
Why is this so difficult?
Did we miss something everyone else figured out?
If you have asked similar questions, take heart. Difficulty does not equal failure.
A Biblical Framework for Sex and Marriage
Before getting practical, it is important to reset the framework.
Scripture does not treat sex as embarrassing, shameful, or merely functional. The Bible speaks openly and beautifully about desire and intimacy within marriage.
The book of Song of Solomon celebrates attraction, longing, and physical love between husband and wife. First Corinthians 7 reminds us that intimacy is mutual, not transactional. Ephesians 5 frames marriage around sacrificial love, not entitlement.
Sex was designed to be mutual, safe, joy giving, and rooted in love rather than pressure.
That truth matters, especially if your lived experience does not currently reflect it.
5 Practical Steps When Sex Is Difficult in Marriage
1. Start with a mindset of sacrificial love
Marriage, including sex, works best when both spouses ask how they can love and serve the other well.
Growth does not come from keeping score or assigning blame. It comes from humility and patience.
For the spouse with a higher desire, this often looks like gentleness and restraint.
For the spouse with a lower desire, this often looks like intentional effort and honest communication.
Both responses are acts of love.
2. Remember that sex is meant to be pleasurable for both spouses
If sex were only about procreation, it would not need to feel good.
God designed intimacy to be enjoyed by both husband and wife. That is not a cultural idea. It is a biblical one.
If sex consistently feels painful, tense, or emotionally draining, that is not something to ignore or push through. It is something to address with care and wisdom.
3. Have honest and gentle conversations about sex
Growth does not come from silence.
It comes from conversations that are honest without being harsh and gentle without being evasive.
A simple starting point might sound like this:
“I want intimacy to be a good gift for both of us. Can we talk about what has been hard lately?”
One of the most helpful rhythms for this kind of conversation is a Weekly Marriage Meeting, where intimacy can be discussed regularly rather than only during moments of tension. When intimacy is a normal topic rather than a crisis conversation, fear and pressure tend to lessen.
4. Seek wise counsel and trustworthy resources
Not every voice deserves influence in your marriage.
When sex is difficult, look for Christian counselors, trusted mentors, and resources that point you back to Scripture and Christ.
There are healthy and faith-centered tools available. You do not need to turn to shame-based teaching or explicit content to grow in intimacy.
5. Make a plan that fits your marriage
Comparison often leads to discouragement.
There is no biblical rule for how often couples should have sex or what a healthy number looks like.
Instead, ask questions like these:
What feels realistic in this season of life?
What helps us feel safe and connected?
How can we pursue growth without pressure?
Small and thoughtful plans tend to create far more healing than rigid rules.
What Changed for Us
There was no single breakthrough moment.
Things changed gradually through patient conversations, emotional safety, mutual grace, and growing trust.
Healing came through consistency and a willingness to play the long game.
If you are in a hard season now, that does not mean this is how your story ends.
A One Degree Shift You Can Make This Week
You do not need to fix everything at once.
Start with a small step. Pray together about intimacy. Set aside time to talk calmly and honestly.
Ask one simple question: “How are we feeling about physical intimacy right now?” Small steps, practiced consistently, can change the direction of a marriage.
Listen to the Full Episode and Get the Bonus Resource
Episode 134 of the One Degree Marriage podcast is titled When Sex Is Difficult: Our Honest Story and What Helped. In the episode, we go deeper into these ideas and share more of our personal story.
Listen to the episode wherever you get your podcasts.
+ show Comments
- Hide Comments
add a comment