You can be lying next to your spouse and still feel ten feet apart. If you’re feeling disconnected in marriage, you’re not alone. Most couples experience seasons where intimacy feels strained, conversations feel shallow, and even small tensions feel bigger than they should. The good news is that disconnection is usually a symptom, not a verdict. And when you diagnose the root, you can rebuild emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy in a healthy, lasting way.
First: Define what you mean by “intimacy.”
When couples say “we need more intimacy,” they might be talking about totally different things. We think it helps to break intimacy into three categories:
Emotional intimacy
Feeling seen, safe, known, and cared for. You know what burdens your spouse is carrying, what’s stressing them, what’s making them happy, and you can talk without skirting around an elephant in the room.
Spiritual intimacy
Not just doing “Christian things” together, but pursuing the Lord personally and together. Praying for each other, practicing spiritual disciplines, and letting your relationship with God overflow into your relationship with your spouse.
Physical intimacy
Yes, sex matters, but physical intimacy also includes affectionate, romantic connection that doesn’t always lead somewhere: hugs, kisses, closeness, and warmth. Especially in seasons like postpartum, physical intimacy can still exist even when sex isn’t possible.
The biggest mistake couples make when they feel disconnected
When intimacy feels off, most advice is surface-level:
- “Just go on a date night.”
- “Plan a weekend away.”
- “Buy flowers.”
- “Spice it up.”
None of those are bad. But they won’t fix a root issue.
If the real problem is unresolved conflict, or unmet expectations, or chronic stress, or feeling like one spouse is carrying the whole load, a date night can feel like putting a band-aid on a deeper wound.
The goal isn’t “do more romance.”
The goal is: figure out what’s actually causing the drift.
Step 1: Diagnose what’s driving the disconnection
Start with an honest conversation:
“What’s the root of this? Where did the drifting start?”
A few common culprits:
- Busyness and off-rhythm weeks (illness, work overload, travel, sleep deprivation)
- Unresolved conflict (tension you can feel even if you’re not actively arguing)
- Unmet expectations (often unspoken)
- Comparison and resentment (including social media expectations)
- Feeling misunderstood
- A spiritual drift (one or both of you not pursuing the Lord)
This conversation takes vulnerability. But it’s the kind of honesty that saves you from exhausting yourself with solutions that don’t match the actual problem.
Step 2: Take small steps that match the real issue
Once you know the root of feeling disconnected in marriage, your next step becomes clearer.
If the issue is lack of time alone, then yes, a date night or intentional conversation time might be exactly what you need.
If the issue is division of labor, a date night won’t fix it. Taking something off your spouse’s plate might.
If the issue is only experiencing touch when it’s sexual, the next step might be consistent non-sexual affection that communicates comfort and safety.
This is how you stop the cycle of quick fixes that work for a day and fail by next week.
A helpful order: spiritual, emotional, then physical
For many couples, the healthiest progression looks like this:
- Spiritual intimacy: start with prayer, bring the Lord into the gap, ask for help, soften your hearts
- Emotional intimacy: rebuild safety and closeness with honest conversation and empathy
- Physical intimacy: often becomes more natural when the first two are strong (with the important caveat that there can be physical/medical factors too)
One simple practice we love: if you feel disconnected, start with prayer before the hard conversation. It puts you back on the same team.
A nuanced note about desire and discipline
There’s a difference between being coerced and choosing to love sacrificially.
If your marriage is safe and healthy, there are moments where you may not feel immediate desire, but you choose to pursue connection anyway, and desire grows as you go. (This is especially common with reactive desire.)
This is not permission for a spouse to pressure the other.
This is about your personal, willing decision to love and serve.
Practical rhythms that foster intimacy over time
If you want consistent connection, you need consistent rhythms. Here are a few that help us:
- Weekly Marriage Meetings (a dedicated time to check in, plan, and reconnect)
- Daily check-ins (even a simple high/low/buffalo)
- Praying together
- Regular time together (even at home, even simple)
- Serving each other in the ways your spouse actually feels loved
One Degree Shift
If you’re feeling disconnected in marriage, don’t wait until it turns into something bigger.
Start with one intentional rhythm this week.
Download our free Weekly Marriage Meeting template and use it to have the conversation that gets you back on the same team.
That positions it as the solution to this exact problem.
FAQs:
Why do I feel disconnected from my spouse?
Disconnection often comes from busyness, stress, unresolved conflict, unmet expectations, comparison, or spiritual drift.
How do you rebuild intimacy in marriage?
Start by diagnosing the root cause together, then take small steps that match the issue. For many couples, spiritual and emotional intimacy create a foundation for physical intimacy.
Do date nights fix intimacy problems?
Date nights can help if the root issue is lack of time together. But if the issue is conflict, resentment, or uneven responsibilities, you’ll need to address that first.
What are the types of intimacy in marriage?
Emotional intimacy (feeling seen and safe), spiritual intimacy (pursuing God together), and physical intimacy (affection and sex).
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