We’re going to be honest with you: this episode started with a 5 AM screaming toddler, three kids in our bed, and—in Nathaniel’s own words—a distinct lack of verbal appreciation from Xan for what he had done to help. Not exactly a Pinterest marriage moment. But that’s actually the point. Real marriage is messy. And it’s in those ordinary, tired, unscripted moments that gratitude in marriage (or the lack of it) does some of its most significant work.

In Episode 153 of the One Degree Marriage Podcast, we’re diving into one of the most quietly destructive forces in long-term marriage: ungratefulness. And more importantly, what to do about it.

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Ungratefulness breeds discontentment

Here’s something we come back to over and over in our own marriage: ungratefulness breeds discontentment. The longer you’re with someone, the easier it becomes to stop seeing the things that are wonderful about them. The qualities that once made you fall in love start to feel like background noise, and the things that bother you? Those seem to get louder.

This isn’t a character flaw; it’s a human tendency. But it is something you have to fight against with intention.

The Weekly Marriage Meeting: building gratitude into your routine

One of the most practical things we do in our marriage is our Weekly Marriage Meeting, and intentional gratitude is built right into it. We use two specific touch points:

• “How did I serve you well last week?” — This question requires you to actually think through the ways your spouse showed up for you and put language to it. It’s retroactive gratitude reps.
• Three things we appreciate about each other — We end the first portion of our meeting by each voicing three specific things we appreciate about the other person.

It’s worth noting something intentional about our meeting’s wording: we changed “how can I serve you better this week?” to “how can I best serve you this week?” That small shift removes the negative framing (“better” implies something wasn’t good enough) and replaces it with a forward-looking, positive one.

Want to structure your own Weekly Marriage Meeting? Our Weekly Marriage Meeting Journal™ walks you through it.

Train your eyes to look for the good

Whatever you look for grows. This is true in parenting, in work, and in marriage. If you go through your day looking for reasons to be frustrated with your spouse, you will find them. But if you intentionally orient yourself toward looking for things to be grateful for, your brain will start finding those, too.

A few ways to practice this:

• Keep a daily list in your notes app of one thing you appreciated about your spouse that day
• Set a reminder on your phone to pause and think of something you’re grateful for in your marriage
• Text your spouse something specific you’re grateful for in the moment

This is the whole idea behind a gratitude journal… it’s mainstream advice because it works. You’re training your brain to notice good things. In marriage, this means you’re more likely to see your spouse clearly instead of through a lens of accumulated frustrations.

The Litany of Humility and the desire to be recognized

We keep the Litany of Humility framed by our bathroom vanity, and it comes up a lot in conversations about gratitude. It’s a prayer built around releasing the desire to be seen, praised, and chosen… and genuinely desiring those things for others instead.

In marriage, this looks like: serving without needing reciprocation. Voicing gratitude without waiting for it to be voiced back. That’s the standard we’re both reaching for, and honestly falling short of regularly. But it’s the direction.

FOR THE HARD SEASONS

What if it genuinely feels impossible to find things to be grateful for?

We want to speak to the person who is in a genuinely difficult season… whose heart feels hardened toward their spouse and for whom gratitude doesn’t come naturally right now.

Here’s where we’d start:

• Pray for a softened heart. Ask God to give you eyes to see your spouse the way He sees them — as someone made in His image, with inherent worth.
• Start small. Gratitude doesn’t have to be grand. ‘I appreciate that he went to work today and is providing for our family.’ That’s a real, true thing. Start there.
• Voice it, even if it feels small. When you say it out loud, it tends to breed more of itself, and it often motivates the behavior you’re expressing appreciation for.

And if things are genuinely difficult in your marriage, please lean on your community—a pastor, a trusted couple, a counselor—who knows you both and can provide real, tangible, in-person support.

ONE-DEGREE SHIFT

If you don’t have a Weekly Marriage Meeting yet, start there. But if you do (or even if you don’t) try this: keep a running list this week of one thing per day that you appreciate about your spouse. Write it in your phone, your journal, wherever. Just one thing. And see what changes.

And if you want daily marriage challenge prompts delivered straight to your inbox — many of which are built around gratitude — sign up below!

Resources & Links

• Weekly Marriage Meeting Journal
• Daily Marriage Challenge email signup
• The Litany of Humility