If you have ever felt like your marriage was running on autopilot, like you and your spouse are roommates managing a household instead of two people deeply connected to each other and to Christ, you are not alone. Most couples drift into a marriage rut at some point. The mortgage gets paid, the kids get fed, the laundry gets done, and somewhere in the middle of all that life maintenance, the spark of intentional connection quietly fades.

A rut is not a crisis. It is not a betrayal, and it is not the end. It is something more subtle and, honestly, more common. It is just going through the motions, kind of stagnant, kind of disconnected, more surviving than thriving. In this episode of the One Degree Marriage Podcast, Xan and Nathaniel sat down (with a lightning storm rolling in outside the window) to talk about exactly that feeling and what to actually do about it.

Here are the five practical habits we shared that have helped us stay connected to each other and to the Lord, even in the busy, ordinary, messy seasons of marriage and parenting.

1. Start a Weekly Marriage Meeting

If we sound like a broken record on this one, it is because we are. The weekly marriage meeting is the single most transformational habit our marriage has ever practiced. Forty-five minutes to an hour, once a week, on the calendar.

We do ours on Sunday nights after the kids are in bed. We talk about our highs, our lows, and our buffaloes. We share three things we appreciated about each other. We talk about financial stewardship and generosity, intimacy (both physical and emotional), how we handled conflict and how we did not, and one specific way we can serve each other in the week ahead.

It is not a magical formula. It is just intentional time. But that one block of intentional time gets you on the same page, keeps small misunderstandings from boiling over for weeks, and makes space for gratitude and active listening that ordinary life never carves out on its own. You do not need our journal or our template (though you can grab the template free if it helps). You just need a notebook, a pen, and the willingness to show up week after week.

A rut is not a crisis. It is not a betrayal. It is just going through the motions, kind of stagnant, kind of disconnected, more surviving than thriving.

2. Ask Each Other Your “High, Low, Buffalo” Every Day

A weekly meeting builds the foundation. A daily check-in keeps the connection warm.

Pick a question and stick with it. High, low, buffalo. Roses and thorns. Best and worst. Whatever you will actually do. The point of the question is that it forces you to reflect on your day rather than just answering “fine” when your spouse asks how things went. And once you reflect, you have something real to share, and your spouse has something real to listen to. Those small shares often springboard into the deeper conversations you have been wishing you had.

Pro tip: if you can never remember your buffalo by the end of the day, text it to your spouse the moment it happens. We do this constantly.

3. Pray Together Daily

The statistic is wild and worth repeating: less than 0.1 percent of couples who pray together daily end up divorced. Less than one in a thousand.

The goal is not to avoid divorce, of course. The goal is intimacy with Jesus and intimacy with each other. But there is a reason couples who pray together rarely end up disconnected enough to walk away. Honest prayer is an inherently vulnerable act. When you stand before the Lord with your spouse and pray honestly, you cannot really fake it. That kind of vulnerability creates a depth of intimacy that is very hard to feel stuck in a rut alongside.

If praying out loud together feels uncomfortable at first, that is normal. Start small. Pray over dinner. Pray over each other before bed. Build from there.

Less than 0.1 percent of couples who pray together daily end up divorced. Less than one in a thousand.

4. Mix Something Up On Purpose

Ruts thrive on monotony. So break the monotony.

This is going to look different for every couple, because everybody’s “ordinary” is different. For us, sitting on the couch and watching a show would be mixing it up. For another couple, that exact thing is the rut, and going on a different kind of date night, or taking a one-day trip to a state park or a small town an hour away, would be the change.

You do not need a marriage retreat or a weekend getaway to break out of a rut, although those can be great if you can swing it. One spouse picks up takeout while the other puts the kids to bed, and you have a date night in. Take a Saturday morning drive somewhere you have never been, grab coffee, walk around. The point is not the activity itself. The point is doing something out of the rhythm with the goal of actually connecting in the middle of it.

5. Have Honest Accountability Outside Your Marriage

This one might surprise you, but we believe it is essential. You need at least one person, same gender, outside your marriage, who truly knows you. Not the polished version. The real version. Someone you can confess sin to, someone who knows your strengths and weaknesses, someone who will tell you when you need to apologize to your spouse, when you need to repent before God, when you are putting on a front.

Our culture trains us to put on a face for everyone except our spouse, and even then we sometimes hide. When the only person who truly knows you is your spouse, that is a heavy load for a marriage to carry. The things in you that need light tend to fester in the dark.

Nathaniel meets early every Saturday morning with a group of guys for exactly this. They confess sin. They talk about the worst of the worst. And it has been life-giving for our marriage, because the work the Lord does in him there shows up in him here.

One word of warning: this kind of relationship does not form overnight. It took years to build that group into what it is now. So if you are starting from scratch and it feels slow or awkward, do not get discouraged. Almost nothing fruitful in marriage is fast.

When the only person who truly knows you is your spouse, that is a heavy load for a marriage to carry.

Key Takeaways

• A marriage rut is more about drift than crisis. It is the slow fade of intentionality, not the sudden break of trust.
• The way out is rarely a grand gesture. It is small, repeatable habits practiced over months and years.
• A weekly marriage meeting (45 to 60 minutes, once a week) is the single most transformational habit we have practiced in our own marriage.
• A daily check-in like high, low, buffalo turns “how was your day” into a real conversation.
• Praying together daily is one of the most consistent predictors of long-term marriage health.
• Break monotony on purpose, even in small, low-cost ways.
• You need at least one same-gender friend who knows the real, unpolished you.

Final Encouragement

Marriage ruts are normal. Even healthy couples drift into them, especially in seasons of demanding work and small kids. The good news is that the way out is rarely a grand gesture. It is small, repeatable habits that add up over months and years.

Pick one of these five habits and start it this week. Just one. See what happens.

We would love to hear from you. What pulled you and your spouse out of a rut? Comment on Spotify, send us a DM on Instagram, or email us. The more this becomes a real conversation, the better.

Resources Mentioned in This Episode

• The free Weekly Marriage Meeting Template
• The Weekly Marriage Meeting Journal (optional, for couples who want a guided format)
• Previous episode: Why Gratitude Is the Secret to a Happier Marriage (And How to Actually Practice It)
• Previous episode: How to Out-Serve Your Spouse (And Why Most Marriages Never Get There)